💬 What Couples Really Mean When They Say “We Don’t Communicate”

By Poli Z — Marriage & Relationship Counsellor, Melbourne

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Most couples who sit in my room eventually say it:

“We just don’t communicate anymore.”

It sounds simple, almost practical — as if the problem lies in finding the right words, tone, or timing. But beneath those four words sits something much deeper: a quiet ache of disconnection.

When couples say we don’t communicate, what they’re really saying is I don’t feel heard, seen, or safe anymore.

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💔 The Silent Translation of “We Don’t Communicate”

In my work, I’ve learned that communication problems are rarely about communication itself. They’re about what’s missing behind the words — trust, curiosity, presence, and emotional safety.

Sometimes:

• One partner is speaking, but the other has already stopped listening — not out of disinterest, but out of exhaustion.

• One person avoids saying how they feel, not because they don’t care, but because they’ve learned it’s safer to stay quiet.

• Both are fighting for connection but doing it in ways that push the other further away.

It’s not that they can’t talk — it’s that they can’t reach each other.

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🪞 What’s Really Happening Beneath the Surface

In a healthy relationship, words carry meaning because they land on open ground. When emotional safety is lost, even neutral words can sound like criticism.

So, communication becomes a battle of defences rather than a bridge of understanding.

As a counsellor, my role isn’t to teach couples how to talk.
It’s to help them rediscover what made talking feel safe in the first place.

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🌿 The Power of Being Heard

Real communication begins not with speaking, but with listening — the kind of listening that comes without an agenda, without waiting for your turn to respond.
Listening is an act of love. It says: “You matter. I want to understand you before I try to fix you.”

When a couple begins to truly listen again, something remarkable happens. The tension softens. The words return. They begin to see not just the surface frustration, but the longing underneath — to be understood, to be chosen again.

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🔄 Rebuilding the Bridge

If you and your partner find yourselves circling the same argument, or withdrawing into silence, pause before trying to “communicate better.”
Instead, ask:

• What am I really trying to say?

• What is my partner really trying to express beneath their tone or words?

• Do we still feel emotionally safe with each other?

When communication stops, it’s not a failure — it’s a signal. It’s your relationship asking for attention, care, and repair.

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❤️ Final Thoughts

The truth is, every couple struggles to communicate at times. What matters is whether you’re willing to look beneath the surface and rebuild the bridge between you.

Sometimes, having a safe, neutral space — a counsellor who can gently help you both slow down and listen again — makes all the difference.

If you’re in Melbourne and feel that the words have stopped flowing in your relationship, I’m here to help you find your way back to each other.
Because communication isn’t about talking more — it’s about understanding deeper.

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Poli Z
Marriage & Relationship Counsellor — Greek & English speaking
Malvern, Melbourne | shynewellness.com.au